The balance between "giving and receiving" is a topic which reveals many challenges we may have around Money. Let's discuss today the Martyr Money archetype! If you don't know what I am talking about, read on : I bet you know at least one!
Money Martyrs serve others despite of the financial and/or emotional pain it causes to them. From the perspective of the Martyr, it feels good to help others!
Martyrs learned at some stage in their lives (probably during their childhood), that serving others brings not only satisfaction, but also a sense of pride. The more they do it, the more they believe their support is necessary because, not only do they feel good doing it, they also know how to do it and can feel that they are the only ones who do it 'very well'. With repetition, it becomes their pattern, their default behaviour which feels completely natural.
In Positive Intelligence, it looks a Pleaser which tries to gain acceptance and affection by helping, pleasing, rescuing or flattering others.
You may wonder where it all comes from. Perhaps, they were relied on heavily in childhood. Maybe they were the oldest child and were expected to care for their brothers and sisters. Who knows? It seems to be fed by 2 assumptions :
1) I must put the needs of others ahead of my needs
2) I must give (love affection time money) in order to get it back.
Whatever the circumstances, as adults the default behaviour is to take care of others (no matter if their services are necessary or not). Martyrs become so busy caretakers that they neglect their own needs. In other words, they do for other what they do not accept to do for themselves for some mysterious reasons.
Have you ever met someone around you telling you how constantly 'busy' or 'tired' they are from solving problems for others? But offer to help them ... and your assistance is very likely to be turned down. You are typically in front of a person whose actions are driven by his or her Martyr.
No matter what you tell to such a person, for a Martyr, it makes complete sense to behave this way and be over-generous even if nothing comes back in return! Strong Martyrs are perfectionist with high expectations of themselves and others. They tend to feel very let down when others do not meet their standards or expectations. From an "extreme" Martyr's angle, it can feel like a hassle to explain how to do something ... and as you couldn't possibly do it 'right' anyway, they prefer rejecting your offer and support.
The short answer is yes... but it is not simple. A big issue is that, while constantly rescuing others, the Martyr neglects his or her own needs. They have grown used to it, and internalised this to the point that it seems normal and natural. Sadly, it also becomes awkward for a Martyr to 'receive'. It feels strange when attention is focused on them or when they are asked what they need or want. They feel shame in asking for help...especially when they are so capable of helping others. How could they need any help at all?
To break this vicious cycle, Martyrs must accept their wounded self and recognize they neglected themselves. They also have to recognize their motivations in rescuing others (which can be extremely challenging). Is it an unconscious desire to help themselves? Is it simply the need to feel superior? A deeper sense of guilt that over-giving might "fix"? Every Martyr has a "very good reason" to do so (which is the Saboteur lie that needs to be uncovered). Once Martyrs can identify their hidden wounds, learn to heal and let go, then they will be in a position to receiving from others as much as they compulsively give to others.
At this point, they will have made strides in turning the Martyr in them into the wise and compassionate archetype that they're meant to be: the Magician.
So, if something in the description of the Martyr resonates with you, I want you to push the "pause" button and think about what motivates you when you are shopping and planning. Do you sacrifice yourself for others? Have you set boundaries on what you can and cannot do? Can you accept help and receive it comfortably?
If the description of the Martyr brings the picture of someone familiar, see if this behaviour also translates into other areas such as work, relationship health etc. We all have a bit of a Martyr archetype in us. It is just more or less developed, and can be triggered under certain circumstances, even if it does not "run by default" our decision making process. When you get used to seeing it within others, you develop the knack to spot when it gets triggered within you.
Let me know how it goes...